Greetings from Planet Glenn

Greetings earthlings, we here on the planet Glenn Close prime have been monitoring you for quite some time. As such we have become irritated, unnerved, perturbed, and vexed at the manner in which you have treated our benevolent and supremely talented Queen Glenn whom we beamed down to your planet on a donkey in a manger so that acting may have eternal life. Yet, over the years we have watched time and time again as you looked over her in favor of *ahem…Lesser talents (Okay Not really, but certainly lesser works). We pondered; had your feeble two-hemisphered brains (HA! pathetic, Glenn has 6!!) escaped that horse paddock you call a head when you gave the gold plated G.I. Joe that we scientifically knew to be hers to someone else?! Our High Priestess made the otherworldly work of making a very lame character fly in “The Natural” look like flicking on a light switch and you gave it to a woman named Peggy? Had the regrettably last bit of sense you own left you suddenly for more greener pastures in regal creatures like …Badgers, and Manatees?? Is that why you gave 1989’s Oscar to some Jodie creature after we specifically armed our Queen with eye lasers, two more vertebrae to increase her posture levels to “Bitch I wish you would” and some of our finest threads to make exactly this kind of embarrassing loss impossible!!! We are here to let you know that we have just about had it with your ignorant, petulant, pathetic attempts at trying to prove your own superiority in acting - something Glenn clearly invented!.

BUT…we Glenn Closians are merciful bunch if nothing else, and though a great deal of us had decided that we should beam Glenn’s long suffering ass right back up to our planet and shoot one ginormous side-eye ray right down that receding hair line you call the polar ice caps, thereby rapidly running doomsday clock you already started on your planet…*breathe…Our better Michelle Pfeiffer's, (one of our other higher forms of intelligence) decided against it. So in short you have now been given one more chance to rectify this very serious dishonor against our very existence, our family , and our Shaolin Temple ( which we also invented). This year when the Oscars are unveiled, we forbid anyone other than Glenn to win. Not Toni (Though we really do think her work is actually equal to Glenns’ we admit this) not Viola, and damn sure not Gaga. Not Gloria, Gladys, not Glenn Oaks, or Shady Glen, or GlennGary/GlennRoss, just Glenn Close for her measured, engrossing, perfect portrait of restraint, resentment, and long suffering (similar to her Oscar treatment) in this year’s “The Wife” got dammit. If our very simple demand is not met, just know it will be the very last thing you see…. after the Best Picture is revealed, and the Vanity Fair after party, but definitely after that. ….NOW we ask you are we not merciful?……